Life or something like it …

Well, I have always been wondering about the greatest powers hidden in the mind and this post is dedicated to one of the most common things and dilemmas we all face every day of our lives.

Making a choice. Taking a decision. Every moment we do it. We make a choice.

An ardent fan of Albus Dumbledore and his famous quote, “ Its our choices, far more than our abilities that decide who we really are”. The old man does make sense to me, all the time. And I keep going back to his words many times. This is Potter Mania which I am  sure I will share with many of my friends. But his post is about decision making.

I shall introduce a character here called MK who I totally respect. For the sheer wit and honesty with which MK comes up with these awesome fundae about everything. Take it if you want, is the motto. J So very recently MK saw me like really pissed at work and calls me for a coffee and I end up listening to a very profound statement, that we Indians are emotional people at heart. We don’t think rationally when we take decisions. So most of the times, we either don’t take one ( 90% when we blame everything to destiny and fate) and the other 10% of the times, we do take a decision and then convince ourselves that it is a rational decision. Instead in an ideal B-school type of world, we should be rational and take a decision, weigh your options, make a contingency plan, the “what-if” analysis..etc etc..

And every decision we take depends on the fear associated with it. So what is that we fear? Many of us fear the unknown. Many of us fear our own selves. There are so many fears. Fear of losing your loved ones, fear of becoming a pauper, fear of not getting accepted and many more. Something we create in our minds and nurture it through our lives. Sometimes we just fear what we do not understand. Sometimes we just fear fear itself. And sadly this fear governs the decision we take, rather than what we believe in, rather than something that exists.

So that brings me to classify all of us on a scale with one end called Rationality and the other being Emotionality.

Category 1 will refer to those who always think they will be driven by logic in every decision they take or every explanation they give to themselves for not taking a decision. For example decisions like which job to take up in a B-school ( Excuse me for taking the B-school example time and again. I am simply bounded by my limited exposure to this world) So we end up taking a job we get most of the times and then rationalize it. Or we become an entrepreneur ( A rational decision about what we want to do and go ahead and do it and honestly, I am a real big fan of this breed of rational thinkers) . I hope the judges in the supreme court are these kind of people. Atleast I hope so..

Then we have the category 2 of people who are very emotional. Ask them to take a decision and wait for the next Halley’s Comet to pass. Coz firstly they will have the dilemma of whether they should think from the head or the heart and then it will be followed by the tussle between the 2 and u will finally end up regretting for asking them to take a decision and will happily advice them something which will be what they end up doing. Most of the people in this category are masochistic. They like to hurt themselves, they don’t mind getting hurt and the best part about them is they will rarely give you back. Immensely patient and humble for all you might know, by sheer logic you can convince/influence them into anything.  Not categorizing people of a specific profession here on purpose.

I believe the perfect combination is not just to have both these qualities but the honesty to accept the right one in the right moment. The courage to stand up for your emotional side and the self respect to not let your rationality be questioned.  And all this needs to be done to one’s own self.

Being in an emotional category gives us the opportunity to experience and cherish all the emotions. Love, friendship, anger, anguish, pain, humiliation, frustration, happiness, sadness etc etc. Emotional people will experience each of these more. On the other hand, rational people go by “I am a rock, I am an island…a rock feels no pain, an island never moves”. They do lose out on experiencing so many emotions because they run by logic and rationality.

Now the whole point of writing this post is not to make a point at 3 am in the morning, but to tell myself and ask myself, which of these sides I want to take. Probably when I know my fears, I will be able to choose a side.

But we all need to make choices at some point. Some make it rationally, some make it emotionally. We all do…..

Recently my family was blessed with an angel. My sister gave birth to a lovely baby girl and we call her Netanya and I could not control myself from going to meet her and the baby girl. The journey from Hyderabad to Bikaner was both adventurous and fulfilling. Not only did I get to be with my family for some time, I met few people whose gestures/ memories have left a lasting impression on me.
Nov 13, 11:30am- When I decided that the next assignment I was supposed to work on, will not happen I decided to go home and visit my sister who was in the hospital at that time.
12 noon- NG calls me to check on the status, “She is still in the hospital”, I told her. “Don’t worry Niks, I have lit the diya in the Pooja room, she’ll be doing good and all will be normal. What happened to your tickets? When are you leaving?“. “SH is helping me with those and I will leave in one hour”..
12:30pm – “Nikky, all is done , now lets go eat and then you can leave for home. Have you booked a cab to the the airport?”. “Yes all is done”, I told her. “Great then all set. Pray all will be good.” I could see the tears in her eyes as she bid me good bye with loads of love for the new born about to come in the world and my sister.
1:00- The phone rings. A number that I hadn’t stored in my phone, and as I was rushing to the atm I just took the call and was in the middle of saying so many hellos to make out the voice that told me a baby girl was born and both my sister and the baby were doing good. I had nothing else to hear in that moment but tears flowing down. Tears of happiness and joy. I ran to the next empty spot and called up NG and SH to tell them the news who were both jumping with joy and had I got that call 5 minutes back I could have shred the moment with SH.
Headed straight to the airport.
The next 10 hours went by in anticipation of meeting everyone at home. But the journey was long. The train from Delhi to Bikaner( which takes 12 hours normally) took a longer route due to an accident on the track and I was stranded in it for 7 more hours in the morning without anything to eat.
Nov 14, 8:00 am – “Why don’t you share some of our paranthas?” asked the lady in front of me, with 2 kids and a sister and an old father accompanying her. “No, I’ll manage.” The first response I gave her. I had no clue what had gone wrong till I received a call from my father that the train will be late. She told me what had happened on the way and how long the journey is going to be. And as I said no, I waited patiently for her to ask met again as I knew my answer this time.
8:30 am – “Here, take this plate and eat this, I made it on my own.” Me grabbing the opportunity and the plate she offered me, asked her more about the Rajasthani delicacy she had prepared especially for the train journey. And then time just passed and I reached home in the evening.
7:00 pm – I finally reached the hospital to see my sister. The moment was just beautiful. I saw my mom, the new mom holding the baby and the kiddo with such angelic looks that I could just stand there and watch her forever.
The rest of the week I saw the way the new born baby is taken care of by the mother. Be it any time of the day, her needs will be taken care of. No one will let her cry. Everyone will feel great when they see her smile in her sleep. Talk about everything to her, make her smile. Make her sleep. She would roll her eyes, try to decipher where is she. Whose touch she would preserve to call her Mother.
Nov 21- 5:30 pm – I boarded the train back to Delhi. Mom had come to drop me to the station and in like all other times, bid me good bye with tears in her eyes. She had to go back to my sister and take care of the baby for another week, but was feeling low since I was leaving.
5:45 pm- I had just settled down and was thinking of the last week. Where I come from and where I am headed. The lady in front asked me, “Do you have an elder sister?” she had over heard me talking to her when I had settled down. Then she asked me, “If you are going home then why are you sad and crying?”. I told her my mom was here itself and that I was going back to work. She gave me a gentle smile. Kissed her 3 year old daughter and told me that her mother was sick and she had come to see her. Then the next 2 hours passed in discussing how similar our families were. She, being the younger of the 2 girls in her family.
“Once the elder sister got married, I am taking care of my parents. I have been a tom boy all my life. My parents treated me like their son and now I am there to support them. Once my elder sister went, they look upto me for the emotional support. All younger ones do this in their families. You will also do it”, and she smiled. “ You should stay with them now, as much as you can.”
“We daughters are like that only. We will be the strongest when it comes to protecting our parents and will go to any extent to be with them.”
I remember the lines my mom told me when she saw baby Netanya. “There is a spark that daughters bring to our lives, that even though they leave the house one day, the experience of raising a daughter is just fulfilling”
All the people who find a mention in this post have touched me in one way or another. And I am glad I met them all.
And now as I am on my way back to NG and SH who are waiting for the pictures of the girl, I have much more to tell them …

This one is dedicated to my 3 days old niece. I really felt so peaceful when I looked at her.
Such innocence, and beauty with complete purity. The little girl just eats, cries and sleeps and when she opens her eyes, she looks around trying to decipher what new world she has come into. Simply amazing. I found myself talking to her, telling her all sorts of things, knowing she wouldnt understand a word of it, but still feeling blissful in being near her.

If there is God in this world, then he/she has to be in the new-born kids and if there is innocence. it has to be the eyes of the babies, untouched by any emotion.

Pure and simple.

And how a mother takes care of her baby, it is so humbling to see them do it. I felt so much more respect and love for mom in these days as I saw both her and my sister take care of her.

We call her “Netanya” – meaning God’s gift and she truly is a gift for us.

God bless her.

Another day goes by and as I look at the 2 unfinished drafts of the “But why’s?” or the “As-is’s” or the “So what’s ?” I am thinking “What if” – I had not gone to a B school, would I ever be exposed to this part of life? So we do try to find some great business opportunities, as consultants we do try to give our clients the “greatest service experience” as compared to our competitors. But the fact of the matter is, we make strategies, claim that we know their business better than them and in many cases ask them to get rid of the resources they thought would have done them some good.

But isn’t the kirana store guy in my neighborhood also doing some business? Athikas at IIM Bangalore has over 90% of the market share but is losing it gradualy to Prabhakar, the coffee shop guy who gives him tough competition.Can I go and help him turn around his business? I don’t know if I can. But consultants are supposed to be “Problem Solvers“.  So does it mean I have a framework ready to solve any problem.

Juggling with these terms I sit and think of those entrepreneurs who have the guts in them to take the chances and go for what they think they want to do in their businesses, who do not need consultants like me, who despise the “2 by 2’s“, the profitability versus expansion matrix and blah blah blah… who just go ahead and execute.

Some of us who have just entered this world of power points and excel sheets would share this thought I think.

Still looking for that “AHA!” in life may be..

P.S  This post is inspired by a poem recited by a colleague, in a forum of consultants. On answering the question “What is interesting about you?” he had the following lines to say- “I worked with the organization for 2 months saw the world of consulting.. and I am back” – The words might not matter too much here, but the expression did!!!

So what ?  The 2 drafts are still incomplete.. and I need to put some “insights” now!!!!

As I write this piece somewhere in a system my first salary would be credited in my bank account which hasnt seen much greenery for the past 2 years. Yeah , its been one month at work. From meeting a whole bunch of individuals to figuring out my place in this city, finding a new house, running around with brokers and finally deciding to go on my own and setting up the place. Making it from an empty place to a comfortable place to stay, finding people to share the place with and share my experiences in this place..

Seems I came a long way, from the B school, where everything was provided to us at our doorstep, long way from home where I would never bother to think about what is the meal I am going to eat, will I have food when I go home today? Who will get the groceries and milk for the morning cup of tea? If mom reads this, she should feel proud.

I did make an entry into the kitchen, I did cook something edible and yes, I did realize that more than the money one earns, what mattered more to me is the presence of loved ones around me, what matters more is the difference I could make to a few people.. The happiest moment for me in this place was when I met this small girl as a part of the Impact Day at the company, when we all went to different places to spend one day in “community service”. She didn’t let go of me all day and talked about her experience, about her dreams, about how she coped with her disability etc. etc.

 The best part of my day is when I get back home and cook and then wait for my flat mates for the relaxed chit chat we do over dinner. And then giving the update to my parents who are so looking forward to visit me..

2 years in the B-School with all ambitious people around me, discussing business opportunities, money making plans etc. etc. I somehow seem to have taken a back seat and got to thinking what is it that really makes me happy? Is it the juggle of the corporate world? The 9-9 work schedule? The pay cheque at the end of the month? Well, I seem to have found some answers…

And as I say this, here comes my first pay cheque today..

Hasn’t been a long time that I came back home after 2 eventful years at the B school, and it seems ages that I met my friends, walked through those pathways at the most odd hours of the day, sat up all night to watch movies back to back without a break, ate maggi at 3am in the morning, played badminton from 2-4 a.m and then slept for 20hours at a stretch missing a day completely . This was life, or rather a roller coaster ride that I was on. I saw the highest of highs and lowest of lows at the same time at the same place . It was a place where I saw dreams being realized and at times hopes being shattered. A place where I met the best minds and saw them do the craziest things. A place where I learned to live, a place where I learned the importance of people more than grades or money or jobs. A place where I did so many things for the first time.( I ‘ ll need another long post to mention all of those) .And suddenly all of this has ended.

I used to be the first one to leave the campus whenever we had a break, partly because of the distance I had to cover to reach home and partly the fear of not being able to hold my emotions in saying goodbyes. But this time was different. I knew I had to be there to see off my friends as they were all going back to their homes. And till the time , I came back home it all did not sink in. I am back home now with so many memories. The last 2 years went by and I did not realize the importance of time. Now , after having spent 10 days at home ( and feeling like I have spent almost a year here doing nothing), I realize all of this will never come back again. I might not see my friends for a long time now. Distance , work, family etc. will all pose constraints now. However I might want to run back to the place, I wont be able to.

When I passed out from college during graduation, I had so many things to look forward to. The thought of staying at home after 4 years of hostel life, the excitement of working in a company, the enthusiasm of earning my first salary and spending it to buy gifts for everyone I love. But now, I do not have so many things to look forward to. I wont be able to see my friends for ( I don’ know how) long, I will join work slog for 13-14 hours a day , salary will be high but remain a number for me to decide how much to spend.

In the last 2 years whenever I used to board a flight from Bangalore to Delhi, I used to be excited about coming back to campus after a break. This time was different. This time , I was tired, I was depressed and I was helpless. I was thinking about the times I spent , about the people I lived with, about the laughter , about the trips, about the endless debates on the most arbit topics in the world, about the sleepless nights trying to meet a deadline, about the times I troubled my friends , about them taking care of me when I was sick, about life and how beautiful it was… This time it was all different as I boarded the flight from Bangalore to Delhi..

I know that time is never going to come back again, but I really wish we all meet again. The context and setting will surely be different this time, but I hope that the people don’t change. Thank you dear all, for all the beautiful memories. I am short of words now…

Back after another long break. Nothing new to write , no new thoughts, no new people , no new perspectives, no love , no friendship , no disappointment , no excitement. Life seems to have stopped for now. The B school life is coming to an end and so is the most exciting chapter in life. Not sure of what lies ahead, not sure of what to expect..But one thing stays , the memory of this time imbibed in me. The impact of people I got to know and a lot of tolerance.. I am feeling good now ..Till then..

Well the new year is here and as cliched as it may sound , the time to make some plans ahead. Life in the last 2 years has been very very unplanned for me. Infact I would place myself on the extreme left side on the scale which has “Management and Planning” on the right hand side. Ironically I am in a B-school. And I hope companies who are coming for recruitment this year do not look at this confession of mine. Because the one pager free format statement of purpose says something different.

Why,the title – Occlumency? I have been a fan of Albus Dumbledore, even though i havent read the Harry Potter series(all my knowledge of him is from the movies). He has the skill to compartmentalise his emotions and hide it from anybody or rather – legilimens. How about if I could do that too. Many of my friends sometimes interpret my actions for me. Things which even I do not know or would have thought of. Sometimes I wonder, is it me who doesnt know what am I doing or is it them who know me too well for some reasons. Anyways this is no trouble to me..in any way. It has helped me so far. But as I am headed to join a world where emotions should be kept separate from logic and objectivity, I guess Albus Dumbledore would have helped me here.

Why I started by talking of planning and then took it to a completely different dimension? Well, I just started reading the first of the Potter books yesterday ..and I m loving every part of it. So the first 2 months of the New year , aided by a time of complete freedom in my last term here, and lack or rather absence of any work, I plan to read all of the Potter books !! One of my weaknesses is that I make a lot of plans but execute very few of them so I thought may be putting it to writing will remind me that I need to finish it…Lets see, there is still a long way to go ..

This post is inspired by a nice egoistic philosophy by a dear friend of mine reading which, I did ask this question to myself, whether i am an egoist or not? Of course i am. And i do not have a quantification as to how much degree of egoism do i possess in me. Infact,  I have been a fan of Ayn Rand’s Fountainhead so to say. I do not know what is the right proportional mix of egoism and humility that one should ideally possess, these grey areas should rather not be debated. But there is one thing which I truly believe in, or rather would take as a philosophy of my life – If my behavior causes imbalance in somebody else’s well being, I would surely make an attempt to work at it, depending on how much the other person really matters to me. I may try to change it extremely for those I really care about and I may choose to ignore it for those to whom all this doesn’t matter at all.

I accept this completely that each one of us is an egoist and we have our own degrees of being so. And there is nothing right or wrong in being so. As they say, egoists are driven by self interests and rightly so. It makes sense to put oneself ahead of others. I mean if I do not love myself first how can I extend it in the world around me.But as long as my actions do not impact somebody else’s sense of balance I may be a proud egoist and do things my way. But when it does , I will surely sit back and ponder upon it rather declare that everyone is an egoist and so am I.

Another thing that worries me all the time, is people’s judgment of others or more importantly me. I mean I too have some notions about everyone around me which dictates my behavior towards them. Now it is for me to decide whether to look at the goodness or the negativeness around me. I like to stay away from negativity. It does not do me any good. Is this egoism again ? May be it is a way of life – “stay away from negativity”. There was a time when I used to be so much worried about what the world might think of me if I did a certain thing. But then gave up on that fear, coz those who are close to me will be with me for who I am, rather than a mere reaction to what I am to them. This happens in business relationships. A lot of it in fact. We all fake, wear different masks in different situations, either to seek support or to induce a certain thinking from the other end.  Fair enough. Like I said before , I am no one to declare what is right or wrong in this.

But then no one gives me or anyone the right to question anybody’s behavior, of course as long as it is not inclined to harm the well being of the masses. My reference here is more in our day to day dealings with family, friends and acquaintainces. I can be a mute spectator to other people’s behavior and work towards improving mine. No one gets the right to pin point anyone, coz at the end of the day , whatever we believe in is what defines us and if anyone doesn’t believe in us he/she can always take the exit door. Sounds too ideal, but I too have done this. Yes I did question some people’s behavior and tried to change them, for good or bad( lets not get into that) but I did it. And then I realised that we should accept people the way they are. There may be inconsistencies, there may be bad traits..I accept people the way they are with their negativities. But what I do not accept is the fear that if I behave in a certain manner , I ‘ll be out the next day. So for all those who believe that others have to live their lives according to them ( if they want to be a part of their lives ) I feel are unintentionally trying to create a world of their own with their clones in it.  Well, I dont want to be a clone , never ever.

Egoism is about making one’s own happiness the highest virtue of one’s life. But when this happiness comes from bringing someone down, then it is no longer egoism. Then it is something else. May be “Schadenfreude” – a German term I came across in watching Boston Legal. It means pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others. ( I could be exaggerating it here..) But then I did like this term.. and have no more to add to this post.

I may be wrong in all this as well,and not make sense at all. And am really open to accepting an alternative argument. But then again there is a thin line between being the centre of your universe and the misconception of being the universe itself. Thinner than you and me think…

I wish I was a museum, a witness to history
I wish I was a key, that unlocks all the mystery
I wish I was a bird, with the limitless sky as my home
I wish I was a book,  that never makes one feel alone

I wish I was a watch, and had time on my side

I wish I was the old house, where my ancestors survived
I wish I was a secret, one that no one confides
I wish I was a portrait, a reflection of a life

I wish I was a star, with a light of my own
I wish I was a morning song , with the message of dawn
I wish i was the newspaper, and the news was always good
i wish i was the star, shining as bright as i could

I wish i was a promise kept forever
i wish i was the dream fulfilled, what so ever
I wish i was a poem, i wish i was the hooked audience
For you i wish, i was a happy remembrance…

I wish…